From: andsol@cml.rice.edu (Andrew Solberg)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: The Solbergs Do The Zoo
Date: 17 Jul 1994 22:53:59 -0500
Message-ID: <9407180354.AA01851@cml.rice.edu>
Andy: Ah, the heady aroma of the zoo.
Dema: Buy me a Slushee.
- * -
Dema: Look! baby elephant.
Andy: It's beyond cute. Hon, get me one.
Dema: How on earth did something that large get squeezed out of its mother?
Oh God, think about it!
Andy: We are, of course, talking about a uterus that could, in a pinch, be
used as a sleeping bag. Dema, are the moats around these critters
meant to keep them in or little kids out?
Dema: I think they're actually meant to trap little kids. They fall down
the steep walls and die there, kind of like pitcher plants.
Andy: I get it! The kids die and their bodies decompose into a thick,
nutrient-rich mulch........
Dema: .....which plants grow in, which the elephants eat....
Andy: Oo! Oo! Let me say it!
Dema: Okay.
Andy: "....And Thus Is The Cycle Of Nature Renewed."
Dema: People are staring.
- * -
Andy: Okay, smart gal, I got another animal habitat question.
Dema: I am woman, hear me bullshit.
Andy: How come all the fake-rock-walls for the bear habitats always look
like the interiors for supervillains' secret bases in James Bond
flicks?
Dema: They do not.
Andy: They do! Imagine sliding stainless-steel doors....a monorail....
Dema: I don't see any nuclear stockpiles anywhere.
Andy: Okay, so the comparison isn't exact.
Dema: I feel sorry for furry animals in this climate.
Andy: Think how Dr. No felt.
- * -
Dema: They don't have a meerkat!
Andy: A what?
Dema: A meerkat! Like in _The_Lion_King_!
Andy: Are you sure that's a real creature?
Dema: Of *course* it is! Disney wouldn't *dare* invent it!
Andy: I don't get it.
Dema: Educational stuff, dear. Kids learn a lot from eco-schmaltz like
that picture. There should be at least a degree of versimilitude
in all the characters.
Andy: I don't buy it.
Dema: Then buy me another Slushee.
Andy: Let's go to the monkey house.
Dema: You hate the monkey house.
Andy: Yeah, but maybe they'll have a Lorax.
Dema: A Lor....?......oh, shut up.
- * -
Andy: I hate the monkey house.
Dema: Don't be such a baby.
Andy: Let's go look at reptiles. Reptiles are cool.
Dema: Just a few minutes. I like the spider monkeys.
Andy: Oh God. It's looking at me.
Dema: For crying out loud, it's just an orangutan.
Andy: I don't care. It looks like my relatives.
Dema: No it doesn't. Don't be psycho.
Andy: Look at him. Just kind of squatting there, staring at me. Just
the way grandpa used to look at people from his porch.
Dema: You're not a well man.
Andy: If you look really close, you can see his muttonchops.
Dema: No you.....oh.
Andy: See? See?!
Dema: Let's leave.
- * -
Andy: Well, what have we learned today?
Dema: That three Slushees is too many Slushees?
Andy: No, I'm serious.
Dema: So am I.
Andy: Look, we've just had a fun-filled day in the zoo -- a slice of
Americana life, you know? So -- what conclusions can we draw?
Dema: Do I sense a bit of angling going on?
Andy: Never!
Dema: Well.......we learned that hippos loaf at the bottom of their
pool and are very, very boring......
Andy: .....Yes........
Dema: .....and we learned that baby goats don't like the way you smell
and won't let you pet them.....
Andy: .....true, true....
Dema: .....and we learned that zebras fart every bit as loud and smelly
as regular equines....
Andy: .....verily and forsooth.....
Dema: .....AND we learned, sweet man, that despite spending a day in 100
degree weather amongst mobs of tired, sweaty, whiny kids, I still want
to have a baby.
Andy: GOD DAMMIT !!!
--
HWRNMNBSOL is: * I will not lie to Usenet. I will not lie to Usenet.
Andrew J. Solberg * I will not lie to Usenet. I will not lie to Usenet.
Chief Apologist: * I will not lie to Usenet. I will not lie to Usenet.
Rice U. Math Dept. * I will not lie to Usenet. I will not lie to Usenet.